How To Acheive Maximum Nerdiness in a Short Amount Of Time

This post is brought to you directly by a world-renowned professional nerd. Me. Make sure to follow these steps carefully. For best results, pair instructions with large, magnifying eyeglasses, jeans that are much too tight in the hindquarters, and tshirts purchased at your various nerdy activities.

1. The first part of becoming a nerd involves giving up all interest and hope in talking to the 'popular' people. Not that anyone would want to anyway, but if becoming 'popular' was a prior goal of yours, please come to terms with the fact that this will never happen at this time. You are now ready to begin phase two.
2. Now, it is time to start enrolling in as many nerdy extracurriculars as possible. A few suggestions are, but are not limited to: Science Bowl, Quiz Bowl, Knowledge Bowl, Band, Marching Band, Pep Band, Jazz Band, Drama, Anime Club,  or Chess Club. Feel free to investigate other options at your school. Also, it is recommended that you choose at least three of these to fully consider yourself a nerd. And remember, the more the better.
3. Once you have joined all of these activities, it will be hard to find time for a social life. This is exactly the outcome we want. If, by some miracle, you do find time for hanging out with friends, you will need to fill up this empty space as soon as possible. You might want to head to your nearest Target or Walmart and pick up a few video games such as Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Sonic, De Blob, Animal Crossing, Star Wars, Nazi Zombies, or any Lego games. While you're at it, you might want to purchase a few classic nerdy movies, like Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, or The Matrix. Spend most of your time either playing these games, watching these movies, or knitting. On Friday nights, watch old movies with your siblings while drinking green tea. Finally, if someone does ask you to hang out, and you actually do have time, make sure to use the tried-and-tested excuse that you're going loafer shopping with your mother.
4. Now, you, like any good nerd, will need a collection of some type. Action figures or figurines of some type work best, but some other ideas are corks, beanie babies, anime books, bottle caps, technology, or dried flowers. Make sure to display them in a highly visible part of your room, and to spend at least a few hours a week arranging and rearranging your collection.
5. The last thing you will need to make your nerddom complete is a hobby. You should spend a couple of hours every day on this hobby, even if it means not finishing your AP Chemistry homework. Your hobby should be the epitome of your nerdiness, accenting both your choice of extracurricular activity and your use of your free time. For example, if you are in Science Bowl and spend your Friday nights watching Star Trek reruns, your hobby should be something along the lines of experimenting with chemicals or building robots. Other hobby ideas are building model airplanes, watching college lectures on YouTube, playing the oboe or tuba, sewing, fixing calculators or other technological items, or designing software.

Once you complete all five of these steps, you will be a full-time nerd. Make sure that you flaunt every aspect of your nerdiness to all who will listen, and most of those who will not listen. Under no circumstance should you give up your nerdiness; be proud to be a nerd. Remember, sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. And you will probably be the boss of that kid who shoved your head in the toilet today, so while it may hurt for a while now, we'll see who's laughing in twenty years.